My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
