In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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