meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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