eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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