Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
