I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
