I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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