Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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