i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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