honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
