I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
