hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
