life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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