mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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