Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
