what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
