My Higher Power is John Stamos
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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