I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
