he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
