Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
