he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
