Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
