I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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