As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
