I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
