ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
