Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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