Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
