I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
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