Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
