after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
