I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
