Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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