I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
