Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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