I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
