I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
