We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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