I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
