Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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