dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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