Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
