Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
