Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
