Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
