The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
