2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
