He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
