Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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