How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
